The Craziest Thing I Ever Did

*written January 12th, 5 days after arrival. 

“Craziest” is putting it nicely. Other words to describe it could be, stupidest, scariest, or most insane. What I have done has either been very brave, or very stupid. And let me tell you, as soon as we drove into California I was thinking it was the latter. 

Let me back up and explain.

I moved to Palo Alto, California, with no job.

Let me back up and explain again. Palo Alto is in the Bay Area, Silicon Valley. It’s a stones throw away from big companies like Google and Facebook.  It’s 33.7 miles from The City (if you call San Francisco by its actual name you are SO not from the Bay) and 17.4 miles from San Jose (the ‘capitol’ of silicon valley).  The main point here is that the cost of living is extremely high.

“Woah, Carlie, you are moving to Palo Alto?? Do you have any idea how expensive it is to live there??”

“Why yes, concerned friend, I in fact DO know this. I happen to have already paid my firsts months’ rent, so believe me, I am very aware.”

If you type into Google, “Most expensive places to live in America” The top two answers are 1. San Francisco and 2. San Jose.

“Carlie, it is so expensive there, that they make you pay for grocery bags.”

“Great”

So back to the main point here, I moved to one of the most expensive places in America and I had no job lined up.  So if any of you are ever wondering what to do with that extra money or food of yours, just think of me, and that should spark some ideas. 

“Well as long as you aren’t moving to EAST palo alto”

“yeah, that is EXACTLY where I am moving”

Then there is also the little fact that my entire experience associated with Palo Alto had consisted of driving through it one night after my family had spent the day in San Francisco.  We might have spent a grand total of ten minutes there before getting back on the freeway.

“Soo then why, Carlie, have you moved to this place?”

What I have been telling Mormons: “Well, Marriage aint happening for me in Provo, so it’s time to move this mess to a place full of YSA men.”

What I have been telling everyone since I got here:

 “Well I have lived in Utah since I was 8 and it just felt like it was time to get out and experience something new. And the Bay area has so much to offer! There are so many companies, and so many job opportunities, I also have some friends down here so I thought I might as well move to a place where I have some connections.”

What my mind was saying once I got here:

 “OH GOSH, I DON’T KNOW. WHAT MISTAKE HAVE I JUST MADE? WHY DID I LEAVE CHEAP RENT, A JOB, AND MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS?? PLEASE HELP ME ESCAPE FROM THIS PRISON THAT IS MY LIFE.”

However, this was not on a whim. I have had the idea of moving to this place for almost two years now.  I had been on-board and full steam ahead. I figured if I didn’t get a job before I left, I would just have to move and figure it out then. Things aligned to where it felt like a good time to move was in January. Well like I said, as soon as my dad and I drove into California, that good feeling was gone.

I was anxious, nervous, scared, sad, and doubtful. I had been holding in tears since the night before.  Things really started hitting me when we pulled over to eat some dinner. I was quiet and had no appetite.  Then when we arrived at my new home the only thing I could think was, “What have I done?”

These feelings consisted throughout the next day, and onto Monday morning. Emotionally, I was on thin ice. Little things like reading a compliment that my brother emailed me, or seeing my grandpa’s handwriting (ridiculous, I know) were enough to cause tears to well in my eyes. When I said my final goodbye to my Dad, it was all I could do to make it back to my car before melting down.  Tears started coming, and they were coming, big, hot, and fast.

I don’t remember the last time I cried. I really don’t. Occasionally I gets tears in my eyes during movies, but I control and stop that nonsense before the tears can actually run down my face.

So needless to say, this whole crying thing was a new experience.  I cried as I drove away. I cried as I found a grocery store. And I cried in my parked car. Every time I tried to pull myself together something would trigger, and I would start all over again. I finally threw on a pair of sunglasses, and hoped that people wouldn’t look me in the face. I talked to my mom on the phone as I searched the grocery store for food, and that helped for the time being.

However, in my emotionally compromised state, the price of food and the lack of the foods I was used to were enough to almost set me off again. I managed to make it out without crying, but with very little actual food. I hung up with my mom, and then I cried. I stopped crying, got home, and then cried again.

At this point you might be thinking, “my gosh, Carlie, you are a grown woman, you decided to move, why are you reacting this way?” Well, there wasn’t really one reason. Yes it was sad that I had left my home and family, but it was more than that. I had no job, knew one person, and had no experience in this place. I was all alone; the one person I knew was in Chicago for the week.  It was also raining a lot and I didn’t see the sun or the sky till about Wednesday so that didn’t help.  I had been holding in so many feelings for so long that they just came bursting out. I wanted to go back in time and stop myself from leaving. I wanted to be back at my old job. I wanted to be back in Utah. I wanted to be somewhere where I didn’t have to pay for grocery bags.

I started scheming how I could escape.  Finally, I decided that I could nanny till July, sell my contract to a girl moving here to start work, and then be on my merry way home. Yes, that would mean that I would have lasted even less time in the Bay Area than my brother Nathan, but it was a loss I was willing to take. Then my nanny contact said she didn’t need someone anymore till May. So there went that idea.  I was stuck here to figure it out.

That night my eyes hurt, I had a headache, and I was very very tired. Apparently these are normal side effects of crying- I asked.  

In short,  after 5.5 years of having a job, I wasn’t handling my unemployment well.  

“So……uh, Carlie. How’s it going? Are you okay?”

Yes, I am doing great! After a few days of self-pity, I snapped out of it.  I got a job,  which is a story for a different time,  and I am happy to be here.  As indicated at the beginning, I wrote this almost two months ago when I first got here and things have only gotten better. I just thought it might be fun and interesting for you all to see where my mind was upon arrival.

So stay tuned for much less dramatic, and non-tear filled adventures of my new life.